For my little warrior

My love, It's very hard to know where to begin. It is difficult to capture in words what I feel so strongly in emotions, but I'm going to try. You my son, have changed my life in more ways than I had ever imagined possible. As I carried you inside of me, I was so busy rushing to get things prepared, working hard so that I could care for you, and learning all that I could that I didn't spend too much time imagining how things would be when you came to me. Occasionally however, when a break in the chaos would come, the thoughts I had of you are what kept me going. It was very hard then, I was working overtime as much as I could because at the time I was the only one I could rely on financially. I was sore, and tired, but I would rub my belly and think to myself, "In just a short while I will be holding my baby. No matter what may come, I will be holding my baby." I struggled with depression, and anxiety, and general fear, but with every small kick I felt rejuvenated by you. 

My biggest fear when you were growing within me, was Autism. That seems so silly now, but because Autism runs in our family I knew we had an increased risk. I knew that I would love you anyway, but still I was fearful. I'm sorry for that, those feelings but I just didn't know what to expect. Now you are here, you're almost 4 years old and you are in fact Autistic. You are also my superhero. You are the most amazing child that I know, and I realize now that being Autistic is not a disability, oh no, it's just another way to be. It's just another variation of normal. Except you are so much more than normal my love. 

The light that shines in your eyes, your indomitable spirit, your laugh and the way that you don't ever let anything get you down inspires me on my darkest day to hang in there for you. You are my Universe, and you inspire me to be more and to do more and to never give up on my dreams. I've made my life about you and about giving you the best quality of life and the most happiness that you can have. I do this not at all out of obligation, and not even just out of love, but I also do this because I want to say thank you. You have shown me what true joy is all about and we have been there for each other through some very dark times. I will always be there for you my son until I leave this earth and even after. My love for you is eternal, my thanks for you are eternal. No amount of words can really convey this, but I try to tell you every day, as many times as day as I can that I love you. 

You don't speak, you're non-verbal but I believe that you do hear me and understand me. You may not be able to respond with words but I know that you love me.You say so much when you caress my face, when you wrap your tiny arms around me smiling, each embrace means the world. I may never get to hear that you love me, though one day I hope that I do, but you say it with your smile. I will forever do everything that I can to make sure you don't forget it.There are things that we both struggle with, but I know that we can and will work on them together and we will achieve success with the love and patience of each other. You don't know that you're "different", you just know that you're you. I promise to do everything that I can to protect you from the cruelties of the world while at the same time letting you experience it, and trying not to hold on TOO tightly. 

Soon we will begin our homeschooling journey together, because I know that there will be no substitute in the school system for a mother's patience, and I vow not to let you fall into the cracks. I will adapt to your learning style and I will teach you to the best of my ability. I will not give up on attempting to teach you language, I will not give up on teaching you life skills. I simply wish that I could trade places with you sometimes and let you have my voice for just a little while, so that I could know the beautiful and wonderful things that go on in your mind. 

We will find friends for you, patient friends who understand, but I hate how alone you must feel when the other children don't get it. Others your age are now speaking in full sentences, while you are being left behind. I hear them muse about things, how big the sky is, how long a mile is, they ask so many questions and I wonder if you want to know the answers too. I wonder how much you understand. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt and enough respect to assume that you do GET IT, that you DO understand so I teach you anyway. Hoping that my message is getting through. Hoping that one day you might leave your non-verbal prison.  

I never thought we'd be doing this alone. Never in a million years, but the only thing that I want as your parent is for you to know that you are loved, and for you to be safe and happy. They say that parents shouldn't be friends with their children, I don't believe that at all because even at the age of three and a half, you are my very best friend and most trusted companion. You are my whole heart and always will be. Soon your baby sister will be here, and I hope that doesn't hurt you. I try not to worry about how it will affect you, I try to have faith that she will be good for you and help you to come out of your shell. No matter what, you will be my number one, you will always be my first special child and I wouldn't trade you for all of the stars in the sky my boy. 

-Love Mom